Why Sacred Work? Part I
Or for that matter, why me?
I don’t have any proof or ROI on how either myself or Sacred Work will assist you on your path and bring about this new world I keep talking about, and if that loses your interest, I understand, truly. This work requires trust and faith, but once you get closer to your core I promise it won’t be [as] daunting and scary - hey, if you’re human, you’re subject to the gamut of feelies at all times. What has proven itself to me is that when I nourish my nervous system, get into my body and out of my head, and ground myself into the present, I can attune to what it is I truly need and practice honoring those needs. This has led to my embodiment and a remembering of my High Priestess (a manifestation of the Divine Feminine energy that lives within us all - gender is a construct) and the opportunity to practice embracing the obstacles and challenges as well as celebrating the joys and evolutions as I come to understand my wholeness and trust the flow of life. The darkness and the light cannot exist separately, neither can the Masculine and Feminine, neither can we. The things that seem scary can be leaned into gently with a regulated nervous system, courage, bravery, and trust in my intuition. I can even create space for the emotional tidal waves to pass through safely. It’s a daily practice, and I am forever reminded to employ trust, surrender, letting go, nurture, and receptivity.
As far as the inextricable link between who we are and the work we put out into the world, I humbly offer my condensed story of how Sacred Work came to be:
I went to college because it’s what you did, even though I didn’t invest any energy into the ‘college experience.’ I commuted to a good enough state school, bartended at a nightclub, and had an apartment that I couldn’t afford in lieu of dorms, parties, and living off ramen - well, there’s one thing the ‘traditional’ college experience and I had in common, being broke. I majored in communications because it was generic and had some areas I was pretty good at and enjoyed i.e. journalism, broadcasting, marketing etc. I figured it was safe. Clinging to safety turned out to be a reoccurring theme throughout most of my life, and I was blissfully unaware that the decisions I was making weren’t from a place of what I wanted (as if I knew what that was anyway), but what would yield the most predictable - and therefore safe - results. College spit me out with my B.A. and $40+ thousand dollars of debt ready to embark on my security promised path smack dab in the midst of an economic crisis. This really drilled down the desire to secure stability and feel as though I had some semblance of control because the truth is, that is what I wanted, to be in control. Being in control meant I was safe. As I dug my nails in deeper, clinging to control, I couldn’t see the sacrifices I was making for a false sense of security. I was living from a place of fear and scarcity rather than a place of abundance and joy - but it’s all I had ever known, so the shoe seemed to fit. From the outside I appeared to be right on track, and that’s where I saw my life, from the outside. I had nosebleed seats to the Kerrie show, always watching from a safe distance, rarely playing a role, mainly because I didn’t know how to live differently. And so, ten years and one hell of a professional rollercoaster later I realized I was searching for a career glass slipper, but nothing, and I mean nothing, was going to fit.
Meanwhile, I was a textbook case of dissociation - hence the nosebleed seats to my own life. I wasn’t actively trying to live on autopilot, I quite literally didn’t know how to get in the driver seat. Dissociation as a result of trauma holdings and deeply rooted neurological patterns were the invisible forces holding me back, yet I had no idea. No one in my world was talking about that stuff, why would they? There was a very clear prescription to obtain happiness - and sometimes it meant doing things that felt soul sucking, because after you paid your dues the time you toiled away was supposed to yield joy. Who was I to question the formula? Even though deep down I knew something wasn’t right there was zero validation for what I was feeling. Many years of talk-therapy helped with self-awareness, which is critical, without self-awareness it’s a dead end- but even after years of therapy I was still a pre-programmed replica of a human being. I knew something was wrong but had no resources to understand it, let alone make a change. I felt trapped. Stuck. Was this really life? I wondered that A LOT in those days. All while sticking to the culturally approved plan of doing work and living a life that not only left me empty but also caused stress related health issues like auto-immune disorders, migraines, frequent existential crises, and a permanent case of irritability, pessimism, and the worst sunday scaries ever. All in the name of control to try and feel safe, to feel accepted. I was looking outside of myself to find ways to nurture my internal landscape. Besides, who even was I if I couldn’t self identify with what I did for a living? This, as I now know, is the brilliant work of the ‘system.’ Whereas Harlow’s hierarchy of needs are very real, I couldn’t help but wonder - no, desperately hope - there was another way.
My unraveling process started when I was catapulted into uncertainty around my 31st birthday. There’s a lot of ground to cover here, too much for this small piece of real estate, and so I will leave space around my undoing before I shine some light on my becoming and the emergence of Sacred Work.
**I accept with humility, love, and gratitude that despite it all, as a white, able bodied, cisgender, [identifying as] female, I am privileged in many ways - this is the reality of seeing the truth. It doesn’t take away from my experiences, but gives scope to the lens from which I view the world and shows me where and how I can affect change. And I like change.