Why Sacred Work? Part II

There was no ‘all of a sudden.’ No presto-chango moment. More like a curiosity to follow the threads and actively listen to an intuition which I didn’t understand at the time, but to this day has consistently shown me the way. 

Understanding that there are a lot of lefts, rights, turn arounds, running, skipping, crawling, side-stepping, giggling, crying, and general what-the-fuckary moments is important. This is the long haul, this is life. I constantly need to remind myself to enjoy each day as a human - not a replica - rather than racing to a finish line. That’s still work in and of itself, I’m versed in the American diet of instant gratification and quantitative results. That being said, I am transformed and called to share a few stepping stones that have led me to this moment and continue to be my lifelines. 

I [accidentally] learned presence through yoga. Any movement, whether it be strength training, walking outside, or dancing gets me in my body. But yoga helped me actively bring my awareness to the present (a very big deal for someone with dissociation) while I moved my limbs, mind and body working together to sync breath with movement. Whereas I struggled with seated grounding practices that emphasized following the sensation of the breath in the beginning, once we started to move I was able to use the breath as a sort of metronome. On days the breath wasn’t tangible enough to hold my attention, I would count each inhale/exhale which would help me keep a soft focus on my body in the moment. Several consistent years of practice and a few incredible teachers took me from someone who practiced yoga for exercise to absorbing the expansive wisdom of the practice. Yoga changed my life. Trust me when I say yoga is so much more than the westernized fast-food model many of us have come to expect. After completing a 200 hour yoga teacher training it was as if I had tugged on a loose thread and the entire integrity of the tapestry I was weaving thus far was compromised. 

The more time I spent being present, the more the Universe and I seemed to align. That is, until a world shattering catalyst erupted to make sure my old foundation was really broken apart. I was thrust into upheaval and faced yet another existential crisis. I was broken apart, scared, and totally at a loss of what the actual fuck my life was. Yet somehow that same tug, that intuition that had led me down new and unknown paths to help me grow, told me this was part of the plan. Being broken apart so I could begin to truly open for the first time was painful, yet essential. It allowed Qoya to find me and take me on an epic adventure of not just intellectualizing the term embodiment, but teaching me ways I could live from that place - a place of mind, body, spirit. Qoya also led me to explore the Divine Feminine, another major archetype missing from my life as a result of living in a culture dominated by the masculine/patriarchy. 

There was still a lot of unpacking to do, and the Universe sent Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection at the divine time. I’ll never forget the day the word ‘vulnerability’ hit me like a ton of self-aware bricks. A big old spotlight was shone on my need for control, on my perfectionism, on the story I told myself that under any and all circumstances I absolutely must keep it together. I never had the language for it before, but now it was staring me in the face. I was terrified of being vulnerable. Judgement, blame, shame, perfectionism, old stories - these were part of a package to keep me safe from vulnerability.  I had worked very hard to protect myself from feeling the pain of numerable not so good feelies, I wasn’t about to willingly hand over the keys to the kingdom with vulnerability. Learning how to let go of control and surrender to the unknown is also a daily practice for me, as is being brave enough to step into vulnerability. Not being in control allows me to let go, creating space for old patterns to fall away opening the door to new possibilities.

These new possibilities have led me to somatic therapies, astrology, trauma studies, yin-yoga, restorative yoga, numerology, ayurveda, spiritual response therapy, Jungian psychology and dream work, energy work, plant medicine, and shamanism. This is not where it ends either; finding my joy and following it constantly opens new doors and I am always thirsty to explore and learn. This work is never done, and I’m perfectly content to be a work in progress. The more I strip away that which is not my true Self, the emptier the container becomes so that I can fill it with things that nourish and support me. I’m leaning into trust instead of grasping for control. With this process also comes an awakening  that can be harsh. Clearly seeing the constructs of the world which defined me for the first time was heartbreaking. Societal ‘norms’, white supremacy, scarcity, fear, injustice, disregard for the earth, colonialism, perfectionism, competition - this is not who I am, but it is what I’ve been taught. It is not who any of us are, but often we don’t remember.  As I continue on this path I am grateful to discover new ways of thinking, being, and living from a place that feels honest and true.

Life and our growth are not linear. There is a constant cycling through, a winding labyrinth to each of our lives. Practices of presence, trust, surrender, letting go, unlearning, remembering, and tapping into the body are tools to help us not only expand, but contract so that we may find our wholeness. Growth requires vigilance, patience, and compassion. Going with the current of life can make the ride less terrifying if we remember the cyclic nature - we’ve been through this before, and we’ve come through the other side, a little bit wiser, a little bit closer to our truth each time.

My experiences and ongoing existence have led me to Sacred Work. Sacred Work would not exist if I hadn’t discovered the powerful practices of self transformation. If this resonates with you I invite you to seek liberation, to attune your inner compass towards the path of freedom so you can become your authentic self and share your light and gifts with the world too.

**I accept with humility, love, and gratitude that despite it all, as a white, able bodied, cisgender, [identifying as] female, I am privileged in many ways - this is the reality of seeing the truth. It doesn’t take away from my experiences, but gives scope to the lens from which I view the world and shows me where and how I can affect change. And I like change.