Less Perfection, More Mistakes
Bless the impermanence of the internet. I was born during the right era for a forever recovering perfectionist. A place where I can put words…and then change them. Over and over and over again until they’re perfect. Shit. Right back to day 1 on the perfectionist wagon.
Before we go down this road, let’s relish in the gifts. The amount of times I can read and re-read a post/email/poem/birthday card etc. has lead to some impressive edits. I’m like my own built in editor. I can see when something can be more impactful or improved - like a missing ingredient a chef can taste. A pinch more salt, a drizzle of oil, or a note on the recipe card that scratches something out. I can mold until I find the just right cohesiveness of what my words are cooking. I’m celebrating that, thanks for joining me.
It’s the other side of that coin that leaves a sour taste in my mouth. The voice that tends to creep in during my final edits, when my eyes are ready to roll back into my head in defiance. It’s that in the petri dish. It’s not just in writing - it’s adept at finding me where ever I’m being seen. Being seen is risky business. My nervous system goes on red alert. There’s the mixed messages of wanting to be a part of, to experience relating and belonging, meeting a very loud dose of is this safe???
First there’s the ridiculous thing I’ve had to accept; I can’t control how I’m perceived, and, worse, how others feel about me. Ugh. I don’t like it. Safety, for me, has come in the form of fawning. I took it on as a very wee one because I was really good at it (and fight / flight weren’t viable options). If you have this part, an invitation to give it a little love. When I first saw what was going on behind the curtain from my big girl perspective I couldn’t help but get a little tender towards it. It was protecting me (and still thinks it is). Swoon.
Worth is not something that can be given or taken away. Perfectionism and vulnerability cannot go together. If I want belonging, I have to be willing to let go. Cringe, huh? I know, but take it from a human who has been inundated with the message ‘surrender, let go, allow, receive’ for five years now, it’s a Truth. Your worth is inherent. My worth is inherent. When I allow space for mistakes and lean into the vulnerability of it all - and there are a lot of vulnerability touch points here - I remember my wholeness. That I’m not broken.
With that my promise to myself is to only re-read, edit, and tweak this post 5 times (doable steps, eh?). It could be better. I know that already, but can it be enough as it is? Can I be worthy without perfection? You over there - want to come play with mistakes and imperfection with me? You definitely belong here. Me too.
When letting go feels so right
p.s. edited 6x before hitting post. I’ll take it.