Real & Imagined Roadblocks
I really wanted to go to Costa Rica. I’ve never been big on retreats, but this one called to me. I put it on my calendar 7 months in advance, my signal to myself and anyone listening that I was claiming my desire.
A little over a month out, I sat down in front of my computer to open the space for new desires to arrive. Read: It wasn’t going to happen. The universe did not conspire to make the extra thousands of dollars needed appear in my bank account. As I loaded up my calendar, I noticed my email tab; (1) New. ‘What’s a quick detour?’ I mused, noticing there was a piece of me that was sullen to let the dream go, despite having masterfully logic-ed myself into submission.
It was an email about the retreat from the organizer introducing she would be collaborating with a human I adore. That sullen piece of me was fired up. They bypassed all the logical parts and shot straight up to my amygdala, signaling the release of adrenaline that coursed through my system, leaving no room for reason.
Following the charge in my body, I clicked the “request financial support” button and completed the form. I had known this was an option prior to this moment, but the reality is, I hold privilege. Lots of it. My not manifesting $3k was not a risk to my health, safety, well being, and honestly, joy. I have everything I need. I wrote that in the form (in so many words). My integrity was met with shame, embarrassment, and guilt for asking, and yet, my body was ALIVE with sparks. I named this on the form, too.
I was granted financial support. As my soul parts celebrated and the excitement still sailed through me I googled flights. System crash. It was still a lot of money. An uncomfortable spend for someone trying to make their business work and looking at going back to school for a Masters (ahem- privilege). Back to logic. This won’t work. It’s too much.
Little voice from the depths of exile: ‘do you even deserve this?’
Ouch. I thought I had tended to that one, the one who only feels worthy and deserving when they’re successful by cultural terms. An unfortunate reminder that I am still susceptible, and as long as the systems that harm remain in tact, it is work I will always do - remembering I don’t have to prove myself to be deserving.
Louder voice in my head: ‘the world is on fire, and you’re going to…retreat?’
Shame and guilt. I take action when I can, and retreat when I must - this is how my relationship with myself is Built on Trust.
I’m still working through this. I have a flight on farelock, but haven’t fully committed. There are real and imagined roadblocks to spend time with. When I [literally] danced with it, I could feel the longing and calling of my heart. There is some medicine it’s craving. My heart follows glimmers of magick. My logic - spreadsheets and reason. Neither is better or right, one thrives on my growth, the other, my safety. Both want the best for me.
A friend reminded me of a Tosha Silver pearl; if you miss a bus, another will come. They may take different routes at different times, and they may even have different destinations. So can you let go and trust in what you don’t know? (I’m not sure if the italicized bit is Tosha or Kerrie saying what she needs to hear).
There are no wrong decisions, only the consequences of my choices (something the human I adore talks about). So what path to choose, my head or my heart?
Stay tuned.
