Listen Up
I’m petitioning for a quality I’d like to see more of in fellow humans. This includes myself. It also includes Sheila, but since she’s technically not human, she’s off the hook, unfortunately.
Listen to each other. Truly listen. Listening is an undervalued skill. Not speaking is not listening. True, active listening takes practice for most of us. It’s something I’ve been working on for a while now. I mean well, but I often find myself ready to interject with a personal anecdote spurred by something the speaker said, or wondering what I’ll say in response to sound adept or be able to “help”, or if I am adept and/or have enough wisdom to help, which leads to getting caught in my own shame spiral for thinking I’m not capable of responding ‘correctly.’ You know what I’m not doing through all of that? Listening. But did they ever ask me to save them? When I started to listen there was no waiver signed that said I would solve all of their problems, heal them, and be their guru from this day forth. The truth is, most of the time listening is enough. I know I want to be heard, so it seems safe to assume you do too. I personally almost always just want someone to listen, to feel heard and supported. And believe it or not, you don’t always need words to support someone. Think about it, unless you start off with “I need some advice” or “I would love your thoughts”, what do you want? Someone who is going to swoop in with advice from their very personal perspective, which may or may not resonate with you? Or for someone to mindlessly poke holes and criticize what you said? Maybe. But, if they didn’t have an answer or way to fix your problem(s), would it have been enough to know that they were holding space for you to express yourself, without judgement, scorn, or thinking you need to be fixed?
Sometimes I do want advice, but when that’s the case, I know who I want it from and I’ll ask for it (#pitta). There are also plenty of times when I start talking and through my rant realize the solution to my problem because getting all of the jumble out of my head tends to provide a different perspective and, on a good day, clarity.
Plus, a funny thing happens when you commit to being an open channel to simply listen. When you’re actively listening, all attention and energy on the person speaking, you may just find you’re able to discern if the situation is best suited to offer words, a smile, a hug, or quiet prayers. And if there is some wisdom you are meant to dispense, you won’t have to think about it when the time comes to share. You’ll know what to say. Or not to say - equally as important.
The ultimate goal of this petitioning is learning to hold safe, supportive, space for those who ask for it and whom we oblige to hold it for, and having it available to us too. This goes for our personal relationships and our professional ones. Reiterating that listening, really listening, is not as easy as it sounds (heehee, punny!), particularly in a world of epic distractions, fear of being vulnerable, and a culture that leans towards proving ourselves and having our shit together. For me, active listening is really hard, but, I’m aware of it. I try and notice how it feels when someone trusts me enough to share and commit to fully engaging in holding space for them, and sometimes I’m successful. I also notice how it feels when people are truly holding space for me, and that keeps me going because there is magic in feeling heard.
*Establishing boundaries is a real thing as an active listener, presence and support can be draining, so making sure you’re listening to yourself warrants the same attention.
Trying to really hear you,
Kerrie