The Hard Path
Treading my own path is hard. Like really hard. There’s no promises. I’ve abandoned security for the unknown, for the mystery. I would argue there are no promises in life, that nothing is guaranteed, but as a corporate dropout, I have some data. That data shows that the trade off for my sense of well being was a perceived safety net under the the tight rope of life. The safety net might have been made of lies and sacrifices (hello systems of oppression), but I needed it.
I walked blindfolded for many years, my senses dulled - except for a continuous flow of cortisol keeping me in a sympathetic state. Overwhelm was triggered by the most seemingly mundane things, from the vibration of my cell phone to a cold breeze shocking me through my winter coat (seriously). My insides were tied in knots and my experiences reflected the turmoil and pain I thought I had on lock, but then again, this had been life for as long as I can remember.
Jumping into the ‘real world’ with unrealized complex post traumatic stress syndrome (CPTSD) was a terrible idea. Two thumbs down. Not that I knew that’s what was happening. Stuck in survival mode + being alive = thriving to a tweaked out nervous system. I had been in therapy for years, but I still felt stuck. My mind had awareness but my body was holding me hostage. Feeling stuck is a really great way to enforce the cycle of trauma. Not having agency is a big no-no when all of the things that landed you in this frozen state of double binds came online to protect you during a time you had no agency.
I’m using a bit of trauma informed language here, but ultimately, I was on a dangerous path, believing I had no control except to cry and sink into depression on some days and be irritable, anxious, and reactive the next. Pendulum swings all day every day. Not wee.
Meanwhile my soul was floating somewhere above my body, watching this whole life thing play out, debating if it would ever be interested in joining. Then this stuff happened. Now the reverberations of each rock I turn over move me closer and closer to liberation as I remember the truth of who I am.
Back to this treading my own path thing. There’s no roadmap for the system outliers who choose a different way, and, it comes with some contradiction. I continue to do the work to untie the knots - and some of those suckers are deep - to feel safe within myself, but the foundation around me is unpredictable, unknown. Relying on the systems to provide belonging, security, and my sense of worth was keeping me on the hamster wheel of obliviousness and destruction. Of ignoring crimes against humanity and the earth, of staying blindfolded and disregarding my needs, my physiology, my own magickal humanness. Yet, life outside the systems is steeped in the unknown, in mystery, in surrendering and trusting in something I can’t see or know all day every damn day. It’s hard, but do I really have a choice? (For me, that’s a no).
Taking a leap of faith (or playing with the idea), wondering if you’re crazy or there is another way to do life, questioning the world that’s been handed to you - that tracks. I’m not saying you have to blow up your life. I’m asking how does your life feel. I’m daring you to be brave and look under the hood. If you’re feeling like your underwear is cutting off your circulation, I’m inviting you to be curious, to follow that discomfort. It’s scary as hell, it’s easier to follow the laden path, to ignore, to self -medicate. Spoiler alert: if you chose this path, your life will blow up to some degree, it’s the only way to make room for the real you.
IMO, your self-discovery and remembering of your magick is the ultimate sacred work. This daring act of selfishness can change the world. Consider that the world is a mirror showing us the collective fuckery we’re tied up in as a reflection of the battles we’re facing individually. Think drop of water in the ocean - it ripples out. It’s courageous and brave to question yourself and the world around you, and that shits contagious, the best kind of viral.
I want more for you, if you want it, too, because you, your life, they’re worth it. We’re worth it. Humanity is worth it.
That hard path? It might be the way to our freedom.
p.s. The universe conspires to support us. Exhibit A, Berries & Brambles, a fellow human figuring it out by diving into the depths of what it means to be alive
p.p.s. Know someone following the hard path? Share this post or add them in the comments as a reminder we’re not alone out here.
p.p.p.s I will always remind us that the systems are not equitable, they’re not designed to be. Intersectionality shows us where we land on the scale of privilege + oppression - two sides of the same coin, ergo, it effects us all. None of us are free until all of us are free.
::steps off soapbox::
the face I make when things are hard - like having to eat this dessert all by myself
::laughs ironically after talking about privilege::